My name is crystal Horne
I suffered from anxiety and undiagnosed PTSD a few years ago.
I left a long term toxic relationship with my children who were 3, 5 and 9 at the time.
To cut a long story short. I left with nothing and had to start from the beginning.
I didn’t realise at the time just how much of a mess I was in emotionally!
I thought I was coping really well!
BUT……If anything happened in my day that wasn’t planned or I hadn’t prepared for I couldn’t handle it; panic, anger, worry, tears and wine became my friends and I often felt really scared and alone.
There was a day I remember where I had to get new tyres for my car. My brother-in-law arranged it for me and told me not to worry about the cost. I was just managing to make ends meet at the time and when it came to paying I asked the man at the garage how much I owed him. He told me the amount and I burst into tears! The poor man felt terrible, he told me that my brother-in-law had told him not to tell me how much it was because I was emotionally unstable!!!!
I was an emotional wreck and I didn’t realise just how bad I actually was.
Divorce is a funny thing. I remember at the time feeling like I was on such a high. I actually walked into a pharmacy one day and asked the chemist to give me something because I was so excited and high on life! I didn’t know what to do because I hadn’t felt like that before. My body was in a state of shock and running on pure adrenaline. It was a crazy time, both hard and mixed with complete elation at feeling really free for the first time ever.
Cut to my sister saying I should go and see her acupuncturist (I am not into needles) who had started doing this weird new thing……
WELCOME INTO MY LIFE….bodytalk.
The sessions I had were fascinating. After my very first session I had my first full night sleep without having to empty my bladder in years! (Now, understanding the psychology of the body through my studies I know that this was due to the fact that I was very pissed off with my partner!)
I didn’t know what was happening during these sessions nor did I understand the techniques and the theory involved. All I can say is that I started feeling a lot better within myself. I noticed that I was calmer than and not as polarised as before. Things seemed more hopeful to me and I was dealing with things a lot easier. I got a part time job and started thinking about the next chapter of my life.
The best way for me to describe my bodytalk sessions is that it felt like we had to empty everything out that wasn’t good for me anymore. Stuff id been carrying around for years that I didn’t even realise and had hidden away in a dark corner somewhere in my subconscious.
We cleared out the thoughts that stopped me feeling good enough; I am too fat, I am too old, I am not pretty enough, I am not cleaver enough, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I should be a better daughter/mother/ friend/person. I should be at a particular point in my life by now. I should be acting in a particular way that people/my family/society expects me to.
I would question and doubt myself about everything. What was I doing with my life? How can I provide for my kids? What do I like? Who am i? Who am I to want a thriving business, Why should I get to do nice things? Why do I deserve to have a loving relationship? Why should people respect me? And the list goes on……
It didn’t feel safe for me to be me. Why? Why couldn’t I be me? I didn’t know who I was or what I was all about any more. I spent so much time trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be that I had lost myself in the process. A friend recently told me that I was a shadow of myself and she found it hard seeing me like that.
NOT ANY MORE…..
After emptying this container that was me, it felt like I was being filled with more love and acceptance than I had ever felt for myself before.
I feel like myself again and I am happy being me.
My head feels clearer. I am now less confused and don’t question myself as much anymore. I qualified as a bodytalk practitioner and have put myself in situations that I had never even imagined. I gave a presentation and really enjoyed it recently! Looking back I found it hard just introducing myself on the very first bodytalk course!
I released a lot of shame and guilt from the past in my sessions that I stuffed away in the dark corner and can now trust myself and my own judgements.
I accept ALL parts of me. The light and the dark.
I am much more self-assured and confident. I like myself and believe that I can make a difference. I know what I’m talking about and I’m good at what I do.
I have clearer boundaries. I can say no and not feel guilty. I know that it isn’t good for my kids if I neglect myself. I know that if I don’t take some time out for me I will get angry and frustrated. I won’t go somewhere when I am completely knackered anymore. I don’t do things that I don’t enjoy to please others (we can find something we both enjoy together).
It is not selfish to take care of yourself first. It is actually better for everyone around you if you are happy. I am a better daughter, mother and friend for it. It’s no-one else’s job to make me happy but me. Just as it’s also not my job to make anyone else happy either (we need to find our own happiness).
I feel more confident in asking for what I need from people.
If people don’t give me the respect that I need and deserve then they can no longer be part of my life. (Since doing this work, the people that were a major part of my life have changed. When you change, your environment changes with you and vice versa). I am no longer a people pleaser and it feels great!.
I have a trust in life now that I never had before. My anxiety hardly ever comes into play and I worry about things a lot less than I ever have. I feel very peaceful more often than not.
When life happens and Shit still goes down. I find that I can shift through problems a lot quicker, even though I don’t have all the answers and everything completely figured out. I tend to deal with things as they come up now not instead of hiding them in the dark corner.
I am really grateful for all of the lessons I have learned and continue to learn. I send love and gratitude to every single person that’s been a part of my journey so far. If things hadn’t have been so hard with my ex-husband I would never have woken up and truly found me. For that I am completely grateful.
We need to be able to take an honest look at the part that we play in every situation and in order for me to be able to move on I have had to realise, understand and forgive not just others but myself.
Hurt people hurt people. (lets try and judge ourselves and others a bit less)
I am trying to live and be the most authentic me that I can.
I want to honour my truth, especially when it seems like the hardest thing to do.
The reason that I have studied so hard and qualified within this system is that I want other people to experience and know their most authentic self too.